I want to share with you how I felt on my wedding day from a different angle..How I felt about my body - What thoughts were going through my head that day.
My weight when I met Heinz was 74kg's - I weighed a little more than I wanted to but I felt good about myself...Soon after meeting Heinz and deciding to move over to Germany with him I stopped teaching...I had a dance school and worked for one of the biggest fitness gyms in Cape Town where I taught about 2 classes a day at that stage.
Within a month of not teaching I ballooned...my body changed - I was still trying to eat well, get to the gym to do my own training..but still my body expanded so quickly, I gained 10kg's in that first month - the skin on my body was so tight I thought it was going to tear if I bend down or lifted my arm up to scratch my head...it was the weirdest sensation I have ever experienced in my life - it took the skin a while to stretch to keep up with the rate my body expanded...but once it did that sensation went...
By the time I got married my weight was 82kgs...the heaviest I've ever been...at the end of my last pregnancy with my 5kg baby I only weighed 80kg's, so this weight was a shocker to me, yet I felt I had no way of controlling what was going on with my body.
The day before I got married I asked my daughter to please pop into one of the shops that sold *body hugger* panties....I needed something that would hold my stomach in firmly and stop the top of my thighs from rubbing as it was hot in October in Cape Town. I was so embarrassed that I had to ask her to buy me one as I was so busy I didn't have the time, I also asked her to give them to me privately as I didn't want anyone else to see.. these panties in my opinion at the age of 42 were *granny panties* and I didn't want anyone to know I was wearing one of those on my wedding day.
I remember sitting next to Heinz at the reception table, he would put his hand on my thigh, I would move it in a way he wouldn't notice as I didn't want him to feel the tight elastic from the pantie around my legs...I was so aware of it that day.
Then my boobs were huge, I had gone from a 36c to a 38H and asked my sister who took my photo's to please make sure I held the flowers at my breast area before she took pics...so all afternoon I sat with the bunch of flowers breast height trying to hide the size.
It was the most emotional confusing day for me...I was so happy to be marrying the man of my dreams, yet I was so unhappy with the state I found myself in...no one person knew what I was feeling as I put on a brave face, smiled and did what was expected of me, mean while I worrying about the angle the photo's were being taken, would it show my fat arms, did I have a double chin, would you notice my boobs size, did my *granny* pantie show when I sat down, would Heinz feel and ask me *what you wearing?*
When ever I look at my wedding photo's I remember all the emotions from that day...
Thanks for allowing me to share them with you as I've never told anyone any of the above...
~ Thanks for visiting my blog ~
Berlin Time
28 comments:
Oh, I understand those feelings well. Isn't it a shame that our body isses blight what is a truly wonderful event?
Now that you look so lovely again, have you thought about another special renewal of vows ceremony (I know it is difficult with your location and all)? Or another photo shoot - with your dress altered? Heh, and no granny knickers this time, lol!
You looked very good, despite being so heavy! I am feeling in that bad space at the moment, but just can't seem to get my mind around it. Fat (free) Me has the right idea! Vow renewals are a good idea - and a good reason to go on "honeymoon" again! LOL!
Thank you for sharing with everyone how you felt because a lot of people can relate to those feelings - including me.
I of course was heavier than you were, but there were times when I had just started gaining and felt exactly the way you described. I wish I had just been able to enjoy the moment without worrying about the extra 30 pounds I was carrying.
The great thing is you look fab now!
Marcelle
Did you ever speak to Heinz about when we were in the army together in SA? Philip (Janets SO)
I totally understand about your wanting that weight off and not being happy.
I know there are people (who start at MUCH higher weights) and do not understand those of us that want it ALL off.
But I do understand.
Hello Phillip
Yes I did tell Heinz and showed him the photo of you that Janet sent me...he mentioned he replied to your email, did you not get it. I forwarded it to him - the one you wrote to me...
Marcelle, what a beautiful post, and for the record you looked beautiful on your wedding day.
On my wedding day I wore a size 14 dress and I was 160 pounds, this year for my anniversary I put on my dress (8 years and 2 kids later) and it literally was hanging off me. I felt proud that I was able to get to where I wanted to go even if it is 8 years later.
The important thing to remember is where you are now - and you are smokin' hot. I am sure your husband loves you just as much as he did on your wedding day...
there is always the renewal of vows, and I know you won't need anything but a dress, no grandma panties for you :-)
Thank you for sharing this with us.
I lost 30 pds for my wedding but whe I look at the photos that I spent $1,700 on I still think I was fat. I ordered more photos without me in them. I really wish I had lost more. You to should do photos together on your next anniversary so you can compare.
Thank you for sharing your post. It is just an affirmation of how far you have come. You look amazing!
sorry Marcelle, I never answered your question that you asked me.
I don't have any real magic formula on my speed. I just take my ipod with me and use the timer, every day I just try to go a little faster.
I have not had any formal training I just learned on my own.
I ran my first 5k on Mother's day with a time of 32:31
Then I did a 10 k in September and my time was 1:07
My next 10 was 1:02.
I just try to set goals for myself and go with that.
I am doing a half marathon in May of 2010 and am currently training for that, so I'm trying to run pick up speed but also run longer distances. The runs I do during the week are usually shorter ones' no more that 5k and try to get a longer one in on the weekends. I run in the evening so it's hard to get a run in before it gets really dark.
You look absolutely beautiful in those pictures. I'm sad to hear you were unhappy with your weight on such a great day in your life but you can now see how far you've come and know that you're giving your husband the best gift by taking care of yourself!!
I think every single one of us can relate to this from one experience or another. I think you really did look beautiful on your wedding day but I also know that it is what we think of ourselves that has the most power.
I remember getting to 198 lbs and thinking about the fact that my highest weight while pregnant was 176 lbs! How horrifying!
The important thing is that you recognized what was happening, you did the work and you succeeded beautifully!
Thanks so much for sharing this story.
great post. so very much of it I can relate to. not on my wedding day, but other days since. IT is so much better to be able to enjoy a special occasion instead of worrying about our appearance.
Hey girl!! You were a gorgeous bride...but I do understand the thoughts you were having on that day regarding your body. I say, if you renew the vows, where a pretty dress with NO panties underneath!! I bet you'll be having different thoughts THAT day!! :)
Regarding the comment on my last post...I wish I knew how many calories I'm burning but I truly have no idea. I've been told to buy one of those things to wear on your arm...they called it a Polar Heart Monitor that also tells you how many calories you're burning...however, I just don't have the $79 to spend on it right now...not while I'm on the itty bitty unemployment check. The people at the gym also said that you can't count on what the treadmill says. They said if it says i burned 450 cals, then it's probably closer to 300. Very frustrating not knowing!!!!!
Your pictures were lovely, and I can completely relate to the, "please don't feel my really weird undergarment!" thing. I wore thigh-highs under a formal dress for a wedding I was in a few years ago (because I HATE the feel of regular panty hose) and the tight band around my thighs were making the fat there bulge. I kept having to bump DH's hand away from that location for fear he'd realize how lumpy I was underneath. Ick!
When I read your post I felt sorry for you: this should have been the happiest day of your life and you were worrying how you looked. Wish I've known you then and would have been there: I could have told you you looked beautiful and Heinz married you no matter how you looked and you looked beautiful.
I don't see a woman with overweight: I see a happy beautiful couple!
xxx
You look beautiful now AND then. Thank you for sharing your feelings, I know there are a lot of us that can relate.
Thanks for posting this and hopefully you feel better now that you have shared it with us
Thanks for such an honest post. It's all of these little things that make being overweight so unworthwhile. You looked great then, but glad that you feel better now! :)
Beautiful post. Thank you for sharing this memory...
I recently posted about my own wedding day woes. Isn't it a much better feeling not to freak out whenever a camera comes out?
Good post.
WOW! what a beautiful post!!! thank you so much for sharing this!!! so many women from different walks of life/different fitness backgrounds can relate!!!
you are truley an inspiration and have really put a "real" side to the whole changinging a lifestyle and making a CHANGE!
i am so proud of you and the transformation you have made from the inside out!!
looking at your pictures now,it is hard to believe you were a very curvy brunette-and now your a slim,trim blonde bombshell athlete!! so proud of you!!
keep it up my fellow blogging running buddy!!!
You looked beautiful! We, u know who all, never gave your weight a thought! Shows how little we know about others! xxxx
Marcy you still looked gorgeous that day! So sorry to hear you felt so bad about yourself. But you have moved on now which is great! Nefs
Its one of the reasons I am so determined to lose weight- not only because its a good life choice- but because I so badly want to like my wedding photos.
I mean, I will feel the same way you felt on your day if I don't lose some weight before then.
Hi Marcy, well I see a very beautiful shy lady on these photos of your wedding day however it is is also wonderful for me to see how moving to Germany has brought out the best in you. You may not see it but you have blossomed here.
Wishing you a lovely relaxing weekend..
Thinking of you from Angelica
I think you looked gorgeous. Honestly! You're lucky. When I gain even just a bit of weight, it goes straight to my face!!
Thanks for answering my q's. 5-10 years...I can't even imagine. I'm sure it's also more tough as you don't speak the language. One of the reasons I was keen to go to SA was because I knew they spoke English here. Looking forward to reading more about your adventures. Hopefully my blog will still be intresting when I move back to the states. :)
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